Iam very annoyed by my parents in law for quite a time now?
I need advise. Before we got married his father asked my husband to help him financially(credit cards) with the money he had saved for my ring and wedding. My husband, then boyfriend, basically told me we might have to wait so he can help his father. I went crazy! I mean his parents have already been through bankruptcy once, they are struggling again, I believe that even tough he helped them, a year later they would of been in the same situation because they do not know how to administrate their money. Now we are married, he never helped them the way his father would of liked but they are getting worse and mu husband worries about them but my husband does help them every month by giving them money for rent. $300.00, we have our own finacial probelms, we do owe money because of the wedding, and seriously Im tired that his mother tells him how they ar struggling, it only makes him worry, she should keep her problems to herself, we already help them enough, I think. Am I selfish?
October 16th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
no. when you guys married, his first priority is to you and your well being. it’s nice to help when you can, but, not at the cost of your stability. i suggest you two talk about this very soon
October 17th, 2008 at 3:39 am
Your in laws have had plenty of time to get their finances in order. You and your husband are starting out, and if you continue to help them you will never get on your feet financially. The inlaws need to sink or swim, your husband is not responsible for them. It would help if you moved out on your own.
October 18th, 2008 at 11:04 am
That would make me so mad! They are his parents for God’s sake! They are supposed to be the grown ups!
You need to have a serious talk with your husband and tell him it is time to cut the cord and tell his parents to leave you alone for good…in a nice way.
October 18th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
There are two sides.
They are his folks and he is trying to help them but at the same time he has responsibilities too. I think it is great that he is trying to help out but he has to think about the future too. Many people like that get that extra income coming in and get used too it so they will never learn.
May I suggest a financial adviser? Are you associated with a church? Many churches have people/classes that could help. Sometimes the Personal Bankers at banking institutions will help too. I don’t know if there is any fee involved though.
Good luck.
October 20th, 2008 at 6:40 am
You never should have married him, you knew what hewas like before the vows were taken…
All that money for your wedding should have been earned by you for you to spend on your own wedding. Why did he have all the money and why did agree to bail his parents out? If he did this on his own after you disagreed.. why did you still marry the guy?
I would say you made your own bed and now you lie in it.
October 21st, 2008 at 1:40 am
I don’t think you are selfish at all. My mother in law is always calling and asking us for money, she makes twice as much as we do and is so far in debt. I hate it. She gave us $50 in November to come up for Thanksgiving, called us a few weeks ago and asked for it back (we told her we didn’t have it), then she called 2 days later and said she was sending a $25 gift card to our son for his birthday. I don’t think we should be making our financial issues worse to help her. I think she needs to stop paying to support my husband’s brothers who are in their 30s and start paying her own bills. I don’t think you are wrong to be frustrated about it. I feel the same way. I don’t think your being selfish either.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:01 am
No you are not at all selfish! His parents should be supporting themselves! You need to talk to your husband and tell him, hey we aren’t giving my family money! You need to tell your parents that they are going to have to find a way to support themselves, that we have our own finanial problems and that since our helping them isn’t really getting them anywhere, that you have to cut the money off!!! He should be worried about loosing you and the problems this is creating!!!!! His parents are grown adults and if he doesn’t stop now, they will continue to leach off you til they suck you both dry!!!
October 25th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
You need advice, not advise. These are different words with differing meanings.
This is a serious boundary issue. Get your husband to fix it TODAY. His parents need to handle their OWN problems.
Get this fixed TODAY, or you may be looking at the demise of your marriage.
October 26th, 2008 at 8:35 am
You’re not being selfish…you’re thinking about your husband and yourself. It’s not his responsibility to take care of his parents and they’re taking advantage of him. If they do not know how to manage their money, I might suggest helping them by buying them groceries, or making a check out to their landlord for rent. You could even buy a gift card for a particular grocery store. I would NOT give them cash if they don’t know how to manage it! You know, there are also state programs that can help them to get by. Like food stamp programs, state-paid medical care. If they both work but are not making enough money to get by, they should qualify. It’s okay to help family once in a while, but they’re WAY over-doing it! They’re putting you two in debt! And that’s not what you need right now, having just been married! I would talk to my husband if I were you and make sure he knows exactly where you stand in this matter. See if he’ll come to some sort of compromise so both of you are happy and you’re not losing money!
October 29th, 2008 at 1:49 am
If I were you, I would let your husband know how you are feeling.
Just because his parents are in debt… how about you guys financially???
I mean… come on now, they’re not the only ones struggling??? Am I right???
You ought to tell your husband that probably his parents should take on a job or two, to help themselves out, instead of your husband rescuing to their aid all the time.
You guys’ financial problem should be down packed FIRST before your husband worries MORE about his parents.
Because when the babies start coming… most of the money would have to go towards them and their college education… and I would advise you that you tell your husband this as well.
And besides your husband knowing your feelings… he should also tell his parents.
You know, I have a wife and future kids to take care off… you guys should deeply think about getting a job to secure your rent…. and your other financial needs etc. I mean, I will help you, but consider that, because I have to put food on the table for not only myself, but for my wife and future kids.
I hope I helped a little.
I wish you the best of luck!
November 1st, 2008 at 3:03 am
I never did like any of my inlaws. Money wasn’t the problem but there was a problem. I put some distance (lots of miles) between us and them. Of course they just hated me for moving their daughter away but my marriage grew stronger. Break away from these people some how and the sooner the better. Let them know they are not happy people and you prefer happy people in your life. They’ ll change or dislike you more. Oh well
November 1st, 2008 at 12:18 pm
This is the way my parents raised me, the parent is the one who takes care of the child not the other way around. I am not talking about health issues or anything like that. His parents should not expect him to help them out. He has his own family now, and they come first. I understand that he wants to help out his parents but there comes a time when enough is enough.
You need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Do it in the kitchen, for some reason talks like this go over better there. Don’t belittle your husband or put down his family. Just tell him that y’all are having money problems and you don’t see how you can continue to keep giving his parents so much money.
Sometimes tough love is the best answer. Good luck.
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:02 am
Hey you knew all this BEFORE the wedding!! You still married him!! Either stop complaining and just deal with it…or leave him. It is your fault for marrying him.
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Yes, i think your selfish. Those people raised your husband and if they are in need then you two should help.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
You’re not being selfish but try to look at it from his point of view. A lot of people that grew up in financially insecure families feel its not about who’s the grown up but just try to figure out how to make it work for everyone. Yes his first responsibility is to your future together. Some children think they have a responsibility to their parents- they feel a need to pay their parents back for some reason or another.
Putting a stop to it is probably for the best but giving your husband an ultimatum like others have suggested will just make the situation worse. Have you asked him WHY he feels the need to help his parents? Have you talked to him about limits he would feel comfortable with?
Its not right- his paying for their rent- but its not a problem that will get fixed over night. Something tells me you love this man partially because he’s so generous (with his money and his heart). Try to make a plan to get your selves back on your feet and at the same time gradually cut his parents off. That will give you more money in your bank account, his parents’ time to adjust to the lower income and most importantly time for your husband to adjust to the idea of not helping his parents.
My family has never been secure financially and it took me a long time to put my foot down when they came asking for help. It’s a very hard and unsettling thing when you’ve been shelling it out for years.
Good luck.
November 9th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
No, it’s not being selfish if you’re struggling financially to see money going out the door to support your husband’s family. If they’re not disabled and able to work I’d tell my husband enough and mean it. Then if it continued I’d be out the door. Good luck.